Disclaimer: I debated whether I was going to type this up and share it – to have it here, set in stone, so to speak. I’m a big believer in manifestation and that words are spells – What we think, speak and put out into the world can create and bring us more of the same. But I’ve decided to share the following with the sole purpose of honouring my feelings; maybe making that one person feel less alone who might be feeling some of the same; and having it to look back on at some point in the future to see how much more of my shadow I’ve embraced and how many more of my demons I’ve overcome. Quite honestly, it feels rebellious and liberating! I put this out here with the energy of release, acceptance and self-acknowledgement. Some points are more surface level and usually tend to dissipate slightly after decent sleep, others are much more deeply-rooted. And I guess that’s the game of being human, working out which is which and working through accordingly.
For those who do not wish to read the whole thing, all 135 points can basically be summarised into the following – Fear of ego-death aka failure and disappointing/upsetting others. Fear of separation aka abandonment, rejection & loss.
Main topics covered: family dynamics; mental health; societal issues & inequalities; animal welfare; green issues; being highly sensitive. Although I could have categorised them, there’s no order to the below points – they appear simply as they flowed from pen to paper.
The other day, around the Winter Solstice, New Moon Solar Eclipse in fiery Sag (my ascendant/rising sign) and The Great Conjunction, I erupted like Vesuvius. A whole lifetime’s worth of wounds unearthed, triggered by a miscommunicated message and my parents purchasing Fairy Liquid over the eco-friendly, non-toxic EcoCover washing up liquid (yep, fury and heartache right there!) This was the key to Pandora’s box and over the next few days I started to write all of my thoughts and feelings out to make sense of them all, not stopping until 12 A4 sides later…
I screamed because I miss my Dad.
I screamed because I’d suppressed my feelings for too long.
I screamed because although I know she’s hurting and struggles with how things are here, it is completely unbearable for me to hear how Mum blames, shames and belittles Dad what feels like pretty much everyday.
I screamed because Dad never sticks up for himself.
I screamed because my parents’ masculine and feminine energies are so off balance.
I screamed because my parents’ live such fear-filled lives and don’t seem to know it.
I screamed because of the vaccine.
I screamed because my Dad has had the vaccine.
I screamed because my Mum wants it.
I screamed because so many of those I care about seem so excited for themselves or their loved ones to get it.
I screamed because I’m fed up of making excuses for others’ behaviours.
I screamed because my Mumma never ever ever ever ever ever ever stops.
I screamed because I miss silence – because the radio is always on, and if not the radio then the TV, and if not the TV then incessant chattering and often booming voices.
I screamed because I’ve never known anyone to constantly moan so much in my life.
I screamed because when I’m here for a while, I always end up losing myself in my parents’ lives, which is so far removed from my own.
I screamed because after pretty much any emotional encounter with Mum, I am left feeling unseen, unheard, dismissed, avoided, ignored, invalid, wrong.
I screamed because I still care so much what they think, and this leaves me feeling constantly stuck and unworthy.
I screamed because Mum thinks she’s the only adult in this house and is the only one to ever get anything done, which is just not true.
I screamed because I actually feel the same – inner work is full time work and the most important ‘job’ of our generation’s lifetime.
I screamed because if there’s ever an issue or problem for Mum, it’s everyone else’s that’s nearby too.
I screamed because I feel suffocated.
I screamed because I need space but I miss intimacy.
I screamed because what you’ve ‘done’ today always, always comes above how you’re feeling with Mum.
I screamed because best never feels good enough.
I screamed because after I’ve shown deep emotion, Mum won’t check I’m ok, ask how I am or offer a hug.
I screamed because Mum always seems to play the victim. Every.single.time. And has done my whole life.
I screamed because I’ve been made to feel that my high sensitivity and emotions mean I’m mentally ill.
I screamed because by being myself I make my own Mum uncomfortable.
I screamed because of all the people who have unnecessarily died this year, and will continue to do so, because of all the rules imposed and followed.
I screamed because I couldn’t hold it in any longer.
I screamed because silent screaming just wasn’t cutting it anymore and had started to really strain my throat.
I screamed because I knew Pops would allow my fire without retaliation.
I screamed because some days I feel guilty we forced Pops to still be here when he wanted to go.
I screamed because it’s very likely I’ll have to grieve two Dad’s in this lifetime.
I screamed because Mum never says hello or greets us when she comes through the door but launches straight into orders or moans.
I screamed because I’ve never felt seen or heard at home.
I screamed because I feel like I’m living a secret double life from many, unable to be accepted as my true self.
I screamed because souls I thought would be in my life until the end aren’t anymore.
I screamed because my feelings and experience felt totally invalidated by someone super close to me once and I just can’t seem to let it go.
I screamed because I used to be the most forgiving, understanding, non-judgemental person I knew, but I seem unable to embody that anymore.
I screamed because no matter how much I feel I want and need to let go of certain relationships, I still feel so much hurt, anger, sadness, resentment and betrayal.
I screamed because even if certain conversations were had, I still think paths would ultimately fork apart now.
I screamed because although everyone’s doing their very best, sometimes it just doesn’t feel fucking good enough. For any of us.
I screamed because I miss Maisie.
I screamed because our history and education is shameful.
I screamed because we’ve all been enslaved for so long and so many still don’t seem to realise it.
I screamed because I don’t have grandparents to worry about through this plandemic and haven’t since I was 7.
I screamed because although we must respect everyone’s life choices and way of living blah blah blah, when you’ve lived both ways and know which is the most beneficial to all sentient beings and the collective’s wellbeing, it’s damn hard not to get frustrated, irate and despairing.
I screamed because The Great Divide is quite literally here, and so many I love are on the other side of the canyon.
I screamed because little Jessica needs some deep inner child healing.
I screamed because I can’t ever have a conversation with Mum about my feelings without her concluded that I’m saying she’s a terrible mother, no matter how gently I broach the subject, how clearly I make it and how open-hearted & open-minded I approach the matter, so eager to move forwards together.
I screamed because she won’t ever accept emotional responsibility and self-forgiveness, and look to move forward together.
I screamed because there’s a few moments when I want to go back to when I agreed to be here at this time and say ‘No thanks!’
I screamed because I’m so ready for this New World that we’re right on the cusp of now.
I screamed because life will never be the same again, and thank fuck for that in so many ways!
I screamed because I still fall into the misconception that to be financially independent you need the high-paying 9-5 job working for someone else, and/or to work so so back-breakingly hard it’s painful.
I screamed because I feel like I’m constantly swimming against the tide in this environment – stuck in a recurring loop, dragged into negative & limiting thought patterns, manifesting a solution made much harder.
I screamed because doing all the things and trying to manage & maintain my energy, mindset and wellbeing in this environment is a full time job.
I screamed because from the outside there’s no visible crisis occurring now, but the effects of mental illness still consume my family on a daily basis nearly 5 years on.
I screamed because I feel sorry for my parents and it breaks my heart.
I screamed because the heavy footsteps on the wooden floors feel like someone’s stomping on my heart everyday.
I screamed because I still sacrifice my feelings and authenticity for others and it’s uncomfortable as hell.
I screamed because sometimes I feel like I don’t have that one obvious thing I’m good at like others, and feel I may never do.
I screamed because I’m not on the open road right now.
I screamed because Mum & Dad still buy and eat Kit Kats, even though Nestle are one of the worst companies for their palm oil extraction.
I screamed because someone might as well be beheading an orang-utan in front of me every time they eat a Kit Kat, bag of Doritos or M&Ms.
I screamed because most days I wouldn’t want to leave my future children in the care of my parents at the moment, and that feels icky and weird as fuck.
I screamed because I’ve always carried my parents’ wounds for so long.
I screamed because I feel fed up of being the only one in my family working to heal our bloodline and break toxic cycles.
I screamed because I didn’t realise this journey would make me even more sensitive to the world.
I screamed because of current astrological alignments and because I’m so moon energy sensitive.
I screamed because Mum was one of the people to defensively react with ‘All Lives Matter’ when I tried to discuss the BLM movement with her – yick – and has consequently avoided pretty much all my attempts at discussing this since and taking the stance of defending and making excuses for her generation.
I screamed because I’ve only ever wanted to be my Mum’s best friend.
I screamed because I feel bad for thinking, feeling and writing all of this. I love my Mum more than I can often express in words for the life she has given me, all she has practically done for me and all we have endured together.
I screamed because I’ve been so mindful not to use this phrase on various occasions all year, but all I’ve wanted to shout to the many many human sheep is WAKE UP!
I screamed because no-one seems to just pick up the phone anymore.
I screamed because so many of us seem to have so much shit going on, we don’t have time or space for others.
I screamed because feeling a misfit even with my own Mum & Dad is actually more comfortable than trying to keep the peace all the time.
I screamed because no matter what’s going on in someone’s life, I don’t understand why kindness doesn’t still come first, always.
I screamed because so many do not ever know the greatest gift of true presence.
I screamed because after how she’s lost most of her family, I don’t understand how Mum can sometimes leave the house or go to bed on an argument.
I screamed because I feel I can never express my sadness and frustration at Dad’s anxiety and how much it often triggers my own, because I overcompensate as the ‘kind and accepting’ one, and because I feel I’m his only true friend and ally in this world.
I screamed because my parents take multiple medications everyday.
I screamed because if medication truly worked, we wouldn’t ever need repeat prescriptions or have such drastic side effects.
I screamed because wearing a mask into a restaurant or café is like having a pissing section in a swimming pool.
I screamed because I didn’t feel like laughing.
I screamed because my beautiful demons needed a day out.
I screamed because I hadn’t slept much.
I screamed because the majority of beings in US prisons are innocent.
I screamed because of single-use plastic and people’s continuous consumption of it.
I screamed because no matter how much I try or pretend it’s not so, it’s hard for me to do the things I need to do to cope with life in this environment.
I screamed because I hadn’t written with pen and paper for a while.
I screamed because when I write I feel slightly lighter, seen, heard and understood, if only by me, and I hadn’t done so in such a long time.
I screamed because I’m not currently seeing a regular objective ear in the form of a therapist.
I screamed because this is messy work.
I screamed because why the fuck not!
I screamed because teleportation hasn’t been invented yet.
I screamed because I have a lot to say, and I haven’t been saying it.
I screamed because staying silent isn’t always the best option, despite what we’re taught.
I screamed because I saw plastic-wrapped toilet paper at the bottom of the stairs when we’d switched to ‘Who Gives A Crap’ and which Mum & Dad had both approved of.
I screamed because convenience still often comes over ethics for my parents and many.
I screamed because there’s so much habitual, mindless, zombiefied living that occurs every day.
I screamed because social media is currently such a double-edged sword.
I screamed because I was hoping the aliens would have dropped in and picked me up by now.
I screamed because I care so darn much.
I screamed because I feel everything so deeply.
I screamed because people heavily misuse the term ‘conspiracy theorist’.
I screamed because individuals don’t realise how truly powerful there are and are yet to reclaim their sovereignty.
I screamed because we are our own medicine and so many aren’t aware or choose to ignore this.
I screamed because we produce enough food to feed everyone in this world, yet so many of our own are left to starve.
I screamed because that is so, so fucked up – we all know it – yet many choose to do nothing about it because it doesn’t directly effect them.
I screamed because people assume other people will be the change, but to everyone else YOU are other people.
I screamed because this Capricorn era needed a mighty good farewell.
I screamed because the week David Attenborugh’s ‘Life on Our Planet’ was released, there were several trashy shows ahead of it in Netflix’s Top 10.
I screamed because what the fuck is wrong with some people. But seriously.
I screamed because people don’t get we’re energetic beings, constantly creating our realities with the frequency we put out and pull in from The Universe.
I screamed because we came here to experience the world through the senses, so might as well go for it hey.
I screamed because so many of the generation before ours are more concerned with ‘keeping up appearances’ than what truly matters in life, and it’s filtered through to many of us.
I screamed because none of this is how I want to remember my parents.
I screamed because when I used the word empath earlier this year, my Mum asked me what one was and I realised a huge part of who I am has been completely unrecognised and understood by one of the closest people to me my whole life!
I screamed because all those times I tried to set boundaries growing up I was shut down, they were taken personally and I was met with victim mode, making me feel bad for attempting to set self-respecting limits.
I screamed because so many people are oblivious to the fact that no matter how good on the surface, we all carry past life and childhood traumas with us to overcome in this lifetime.
I screamed because these ‘mummy’ and ‘daddy’ issues aren’t a childhood wound or trigger of something long passed – they’re still very much real and occurring in the present.
I screamed because if I’m not ok, my Mum isn’t ok. But that isn’t love – that’s more like a ball and chain.
I screamed because my own Mum worries about me being suicidal (I’m not!) because of all we’ve experienced with my Dad and because of my often extreme emotions (my Scorpio Moon means I’m comfortable with grief & uncomfortable emotions – in fact, they fuel me!), yet still chooses to never ask how I’m feeling.
I screamed because I tried to talk to my Mum about how I was feeling and was once again shutdown – met with reaction, defence & attack.
I screamed because so many people are simultaneously living in fear, not realising there’s one thing much worse – regret.
I screamed because so many don’t realise we chose these bodies, these life circumstances (soul contracts), all of our relationships, encounters and this ‘timing’.
I screamed because so many continue to give their power away to people & things external to them.
I screamed because so many avoid, assume, ignore or suppress.
I screamed because some still seem to think that someone’s coming to save them and us all, not realising that person is they themselves.
I screamed because I can’t stand it when others constantly complain without attempting to change or let go of that which they’re complaining about.
I screamed because we’re all mirrors of one another – all that triggers me in you is ultimately something still unhealed in me that needs tending to, but sometimes I get so caught up on whether that’s actually the case or whether in fact I just need to not be in certain environments.
I screamed because ultimately, none of this is on anyone else, but me. Everything is perfectly as it should be for each and every one of us. Nothing is by accident or coincidence. All is playing out exactly as intended. Though that doesn’t stop us humans feeling all the messy feelings along the way…
I screamed because I love so damn deep and hard, and sometimes if my self-care slips or I allow it to, this very existence and everything within it consumes me in overwhelming ways (as above).
Fun side note: Angel number 135 represents Humanitarianism and tolerance – ha! Well perhaps I’ll return to the latter soon now some of that is out my system.
It might surprise you that despite all that, I could not be more grateful for this life, every being on this planet and the world we live in, and I could, and have, written 100 times this in gratitude. But sometimes you’ve got to let it out. Highly sensitive souls and empaths, I’m looking at you. It’s even more likely to boil over for you because you are the peace-keepers of the world, the benefit-of-the-doubt givers, the constant reassurers, the emotional upholders, the energy sponges, the endless sources of ‘love and light’ that leaves you feeling that you can never have an angry or bad day. Always taking grave responsibility for the world around you and feeling like you can never have a day off, even if you wanted or tried to.
∆ The world needs you showing up exactly as you are. But do not leave your authenticity behind, no matter how uncomfortable this might feel at times. As gentle a soul as you might be, you’re not alone in feeling mad, angry, sad, confused and frustrated at the world and those in it sometimes, your beautiful self included. Trust that all is unfolding exactly as required, even if it often feels as though we’re going the long way about it all.
Thank you for being you and for being here at this time.
I love you.